Review: Fifty Shades Freed

Ridiculous justifications for an abusive relationship – Vol. 3

“You’re a billionaire and this is the best superhero costume you could get me?!”

Director: James Foley

Writer(s): Niall Leonard, E.L. James (novel)

Cast: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Rita Ora, Eric Johnson, Brant Daugherty

Synopsis

Now married after the events of Fifty Shades Darker, Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) and Christian (Jamie Dornan) settle into a billionaire lifestyle that seems as dull as the sex scenes they take part in. Thankfully, Anastasia’s old boss, Jack (Eric Johnson) wants revenge, which means there is at least a plot to this final instalment of an utterly tepid franchise.

Main review

Somehow, this tale of a billionaire-and-a-woman-who-has-seen-so-many-red-flags-that-she-should-have-left-said-billionaire-early-on-in-the-first-film, has made it to the end of a trilogy. It’s been an increasingly turgid journey, whereby the actual sex has become less and less interesting, as the story has progressed. Now Anastasia and Christian are married, so naturally the sex gets even more dull.

The Fifty Shades films have always marketed themselves as being risqué, but when the erotic elements are bland and laughable, everything else that is wrong with the films comes into sharp relief. The same is very true of Fifty Shades Freed. Anastasia is still insipidly passive, and even when this film gives her narrative reasons to grow as a character, she simply refuses. As such, Anastasia has literally not changed since Fifty Shades of Grey. That’s just bad writing.

Furthermore, Christian Grey continues to be a controlling, misogynist arsehole, but the film just frames this as being ‘protective’ of Anastasia. This was bad enough in the previous films, but given the current political climate and movements such as #metoo, Grey comes across as the worst kind of human being, in a film filled with terrible human beings. Grey is a billionaire, a bully and not exactly a feminist. It’s surprising that he hasn’t already been recruited into President Trump’s administration …

Still, what puts Fifty Shades Freed above its predecessors (and the bar is literally millimetres from the ground anyway), is that there is at least the bones of a revenge plot that briefly gives the film a sense of mystery and dramatic tension. However, this is quickly buried underneath the reality that the rest of the film is one cringe-worthy sex scene after another. These scenes are made all the more awkward by the fact that, even after three films, Johnson and Dornan still have little-to-no on-screen chemistry.

One such sex scene involves a tub of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream; the scene is obviously trying to emulate the famous ‘food’ scene from 9 1/2 Weeks. However, any eroticism is deflated by the fact Anastasia keeps putting the spoon back into the tub after its been touching Grey’s nether regions. That’s going to be an ice cream tub full of pubes before long …

To the relief of almost everyone, Fifty Shades Freed brings this hilariously unsexy franchise to a close, in a fairly definitive way. This is probably best for all concerned. Even if the franchise did continue, there’s not many places it could go, besides ultimately showing that Anastasia and Christian’s marriage could have never lasted, because Christian is a dick. That might actually be an interesting film. It could be called ‘Fifty Shades of Child Support’ …

Pros

• There is at least the semblance of a cohesive narrative.
• The ‘thriller’ elements arguably have a basic sense of dramatic tension.

Cons

• Anastasia is still such a passive character it’s painful to watch, and she has added no character growth in the entire trilogy.
• Christian Grey is still a controlling, misogynist arsehole, so much so that it’s surprising he wasn’t offered a role in Trump’s White House, being a billionaire and all.
• The sex scenes are just plain dull, and get duller as the film progresses.
• Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan clearly have no chemistry.
• Even the ‘thriller’ elements of the film are completely laughable.
• There’s a horrible scene, trying to emulate 9 1/2 weeks that involves a very unhygienic use of a tub of Ben & Jerry’s …

In a nutshell …

To say Fifty Shades Freed is the best film in trilogy is to appreciate that the bar was so low in the first place. Admittedly, this film has something close to a story, if one looks hard enough. Nevertheless, Fifty Shades Freed is still utterly appalling, promoting an actively abusive relationship and engaging in erotic scenes with less and less imagination the more of them that occur. Thankfully, this franchise is now over. Let us never speak of it again …